IN WHICH I LEARN TO OPEN THINGS

One of the first things I have to do, now that I am living alone, is to learn how to open things. I have often thought that I could starve to death sitting in front of a pile of canned food and bottled water if the electric can opener was defunct. I love wine and am somewhat of a wine connoisseur, but I have never never been able to get that corkscrew down into the cork . Just now all my wine is sitting in the closet waiting for a guest to come, or perhaps the man who lives in the apartment upstairs. And as for those packages of batteries and pills with hard plastic coverings over the cardboard, lots of luck. One problem is that I have very little strength in my arms or hands; when you have to squeeze that rubber ball in a test of hand strength, I come in zero. The other problem is that the manufacturers of these things don't really want them to be opened.

One day, shortly after the funeral, I couldn't get a chicken noodle soup opened. It had an "easy open" tab which promptly broke off when I pulled it back. This left a little narrow crack about the size of an eyebrow. I tried to pry the noodles out of the crack but they didn't fit. The can wouldn't go in the electric can opener any more because the edge was shot. I was weepy anyway and I started to cry - I needed that chicken noodle soup. That was the end of helplessness. I decided I was going to open this stuff no matter what.

I could use some suggestions! The tools I have so far that seem to work are (1) a plastic jar and bottle opener that is about 6 inches long. open like a nutcracker, with scallops along two edges. This works for sizes up to a big pickle jar, and I take this kind of thing outside and bang it on the cement. Then (2) a box-cutter is somewhat helpful on those hard plastic coverings - the terrorists were able to kill a lot of people with box cutters so you would think it could get through that plastic. {3} a round rubber thing about 4 inches wide. I don't know why this works but it sometimes does. (4) nailscissors. Sometimes you can clip around on the cardboard backing on pill cards, etc.

As to the wine bottles, I'm still out of it. Let me know if you have any ideas. Also a hand can opener for cans that is very easy to work.